January 15, 2012
The sounds in this game are way too realistic. My mum's dad, who was in London during The Blitz, heard me playing this and is now under the kitchen table with a dutch oven on his head for the third time today. Any time we get near him he machine guns us with a wooden spoon. My mum is not happy. Use with care. Cheers.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Touch Racing Nitro
January 14, 2012
I hate weddings. And boy did I get hauled to a freak show of a wedding today. It was my wife's cousin Polly, a twin with Tourettes. And she was supposed to marry this deaf exchange student from Zimbabwe, Apunda.
So we get to the church, find our seats, and I'm immediately annoyed. Sitting right behind us is my wife's great aunt Laverne. Not only is she an asthmatic with chronic bronchitis, she has advanced emphysema and totes around an ICBM sized oxygen tank. A more repulsive creature has never used a walker on the face of the Earth, let me assure you.
Knowing it's going to be a long wedding (and prolonged by my wife's cousins barking obscenities every 30 seconds), I find an excuse to download the FAotD. It's Touch Racing Nitro.
So the wedding starts and is moving right along and, ignoring pleas from my wife to put my phone away, I'm racing my butt off and actually having a good time.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder.
I turn around, and it's Laverne. And there, not more than three inches from my face is her bratwurst of a finger and she's waving it at me and saying something, only I can't understand her for the gasping, coughing, and phlegm chewing. So I smile, nod, and tell her no I can hear just fine thank you and turn back around. And go back to my game.
Not thirty seconds later, I get the kielbasa again. Only now she is pointing it at my phone and fighting a death rattle to say something. So again I smile, nod, give her the time, and turn back around.
Now the minister is just getting to the part where he asks if there are any objections, when from behind me comes the most awful and disturbing sound I have heard in all my life.
It's Laverne. And she's standing. She's pulled the tubes out of her nose and is saying something.
Or rather tries to. Because in the middle of her croaking, Apunda's father, mistaking her frustration with me for an objection to the wedding, jumps up, pulls a blow gun from under his dress, and shoots her in the neck.
Well that didn't help her breathing any.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Polly immediately goes into Tourette's outburst overdrive and begins barking every obscenity known to man, and a good many I had never heard before, while her twin sister, a bride's maid, bursts into the funky chicken. Apunda, the only one not to have heard Laverne's outburst, and thinking Polly is just animated with saying the final parts of her vows, is actually jumping up and down and clapping in excitement when his father, aiming at Polly's sister, accidentally puts a blow dart in the middle of the minister's forehead. Polly's dad, screaming "the British are Coming!", runs over and throws a punch at Apunda's father, but missing, and knocking the basket off Apunda's mother's head, sends a large rodent scurrying into the masses. And with Laverne floundering on the floor in a scene reminiscent of when Jabba the Hutt got choked out by Princess Leia, the entire circus goes stampeding over and around her towards the door. It wasn't pretty.
I hate weddings. And boy did I get hauled to a freak show of a wedding today. It was my wife's cousin Polly, a twin with Tourettes. And she was supposed to marry this deaf exchange student from Zimbabwe, Apunda.
So we get to the church, find our seats, and I'm immediately annoyed. Sitting right behind us is my wife's great aunt Laverne. Not only is she an asthmatic with chronic bronchitis, she has advanced emphysema and totes around an ICBM sized oxygen tank. A more repulsive creature has never used a walker on the face of the Earth, let me assure you.
Knowing it's going to be a long wedding (and prolonged by my wife's cousins barking obscenities every 30 seconds), I find an excuse to download the FAotD. It's Touch Racing Nitro.
So the wedding starts and is moving right along and, ignoring pleas from my wife to put my phone away, I'm racing my butt off and actually having a good time.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder.
I turn around, and it's Laverne. And there, not more than three inches from my face is her bratwurst of a finger and she's waving it at me and saying something, only I can't understand her for the gasping, coughing, and phlegm chewing. So I smile, nod, and tell her no I can hear just fine thank you and turn back around. And go back to my game.
Not thirty seconds later, I get the kielbasa again. Only now she is pointing it at my phone and fighting a death rattle to say something. So again I smile, nod, give her the time, and turn back around.
Now the minister is just getting to the part where he asks if there are any objections, when from behind me comes the most awful and disturbing sound I have heard in all my life.
It's Laverne. And she's standing. She's pulled the tubes out of her nose and is saying something.
Or rather tries to. Because in the middle of her croaking, Apunda's father, mistaking her frustration with me for an objection to the wedding, jumps up, pulls a blow gun from under his dress, and shoots her in the neck.
Well that didn't help her breathing any.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Polly immediately goes into Tourette's outburst overdrive and begins barking every obscenity known to man, and a good many I had never heard before, while her twin sister, a bride's maid, bursts into the funky chicken. Apunda, the only one not to have heard Laverne's outburst, and thinking Polly is just animated with saying the final parts of her vows, is actually jumping up and down and clapping in excitement when his father, aiming at Polly's sister, accidentally puts a blow dart in the middle of the minister's forehead. Polly's dad, screaming "the British are Coming!", runs over and throws a punch at Apunda's father, but missing, and knocking the basket off Apunda's mother's head, sends a large rodent scurrying into the masses. And with Laverne floundering on the floor in a scene reminiscent of when Jabba the Hutt got choked out by Princess Leia, the entire circus goes stampeding over and around her towards the door. It wasn't pretty.
Word Ball
January 13, 2012
Looks to be a neat game, and maybe it's just the size of my phone, but my balls are way too small to make this any fun. And then they start to shrink. Maybe an update with bigger balls that don't shrink? Especially if you're gonna be tossing them around. Thanks.
Looks to be a neat game, and maybe it's just the size of my phone, but my balls are way too small to make this any fun. And then they start to shrink. Maybe an update with bigger balls that don't shrink? Especially if you're gonna be tossing them around. Thanks.
Mobilearn Talking Phrasebook
January 9, 2012
I have no idea what this thing just told me to say, but I just got slapped by a French foot massager when I asked if she could pay special attention to the balls of my feet. Use with care.
I have no idea what this thing just told me to say, but I just got slapped by a French foot massager when I asked if she could pay special attention to the balls of my feet. Use with care.
Moon Phase Pro
January 8, 2012
Tried to use this to predict lunar fertility since, as Catholics, we can't use contraceptives. It failed. Wife is now pregnant. Use at your own risk.
Tried to use this to predict lunar fertility since, as Catholics, we can't use contraceptives. It failed. Wife is now pregnant. Use at your own risk.
Splashtop Remote Desktop
January 6, 2012
Seems a lot of people are happy with this, but it won't allow me to change the channel on my tv from five feet away. Bummer. Was looking forward to a remote on my phone.
Seems a lot of people are happy with this, but it won't allow me to change the channel on my tv from five feet away. Bummer. Was looking forward to a remote on my phone.
My First Puzzles
January 5, 2012
So I take my six year old to see this movie about a paraplegic dolphin that gets a prostate from Samuel Jackson, when I get bored and decide to download the FAotD. It's My First Puzzles. Not really my thing, but I'm bored so I give it a try.
I'm putting together puzzles to pass the time and minding my own business, when some jerk a few rows behind me yells for me to turn off my phone. So, without looking I yell back, "Why don't you walk down here and make me?" Oops.
Turns out the guy was in a wheel chair and one of several chaperones for a group of amputated kids that had been brought out by our local chapter of the Easter Seals. And apparently my comment hit a nerve with that bunch.
They went nuts. Kids and adults both, yelling, throwing popcorn and skittles and fountain cups.
And then someone hit me with a foot. Then an arm. Then a leg. Then another leg. Then an ear.
And then someone hit my son with a fake breast.
It was a madhouse. I tried to defend us the best I could using a right leg I picked up, but it felt to be about a size eight so offered little real protection. In the end, it took the theater staff nearly an hour to restore order, collect all the limbs and return them to their rightful owners, and find that ear before escorting us to our vehicle.
And then I was informed I was banned from ever returning. Friggin apps.
So I take my six year old to see this movie about a paraplegic dolphin that gets a prostate from Samuel Jackson, when I get bored and decide to download the FAotD. It's My First Puzzles. Not really my thing, but I'm bored so I give it a try.
I'm putting together puzzles to pass the time and minding my own business, when some jerk a few rows behind me yells for me to turn off my phone. So, without looking I yell back, "Why don't you walk down here and make me?" Oops.
Turns out the guy was in a wheel chair and one of several chaperones for a group of amputated kids that had been brought out by our local chapter of the Easter Seals. And apparently my comment hit a nerve with that bunch.
They went nuts. Kids and adults both, yelling, throwing popcorn and skittles and fountain cups.
And then someone hit me with a foot. Then an arm. Then a leg. Then another leg. Then an ear.
And then someone hit my son with a fake breast.
It was a madhouse. I tried to defend us the best I could using a right leg I picked up, but it felt to be about a size eight so offered little real protection. In the end, it took the theater staff nearly an hour to restore order, collect all the limbs and return them to their rightful owners, and find that ear before escorting us to our vehicle.
And then I was informed I was banned from ever returning. Friggin apps.
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