Touch Racing Nitro

January 14, 2012

I hate weddings. And boy did I get hauled to a freak show of a wedding today. It was my wife's cousin Polly, a twin with Tourettes. And she was supposed to marry this deaf exchange student from Zimbabwe, Apunda.

So we get to the church, find our seats, and I'm immediately annoyed. Sitting right behind us is my wife's great aunt Laverne. Not only is she an asthmatic with chronic bronchitis, she has advanced emphysema and totes around an ICBM sized oxygen tank. A more repulsive creature has never used a walker on the face of the Earth, let me assure you.

Knowing it's going to be a long wedding (and prolonged by my wife's cousins barking obscenities every 30 seconds), I find an excuse to download the FAotD. It's Touch Racing Nitro.

So the wedding starts and is moving right along and, ignoring pleas from my wife to put my phone away, I'm racing my butt off and actually having a good time.

Then I get a tap on the shoulder.

I turn around, and it's Laverne. And there, not more than three inches from my face is her bratwurst of a finger and she's waving it at me and saying something, only I can't understand her for the gasping, coughing, and phlegm chewing. So I smile, nod, and tell her no I can hear just fine thank you and turn back around. And go back to my game.

Not thirty seconds later, I get the kielbasa again. Only now she is pointing it at my phone and fighting a death rattle to say something. So again I smile, nod, give her the time, and turn back around.

Now the minister is just getting to the part where he asks if there are any objections, when from behind me comes the most awful and disturbing sound I have heard in all my life.

It's Laverne. And she's standing. She's pulled the tubes out of her nose and is saying something.

Or rather tries to. Because in the middle of her croaking, Apunda's father, mistaking her frustration with me for an objection to the wedding, jumps up, pulls a blow gun from under his dress, and shoots her in the neck.

Well that didn't help her breathing any.

And then all hell breaks loose.

Polly immediately goes into Tourette's outburst overdrive and begins barking every obscenity known to man, and a good many I had never heard before, while her twin sister, a bride's maid, bursts into the funky chicken. Apunda, the only one not to have heard Laverne's outburst, and thinking Polly is just animated with saying the final parts of her vows, is actually jumping up and down and clapping in excitement when his father, aiming at Polly's sister, accidentally puts a blow dart in the middle of the minister's forehead. Polly's dad, screaming "the British are Coming!", runs over and throws a punch at Apunda's father, but missing, and knocking the basket off Apunda's mother's head, sends a large rodent scurrying into the masses. And with Laverne floundering on the floor in a scene reminiscent of when Jabba the Hutt got choked out by Princess Leia, the entire circus goes stampeding over and around her towards the door. It wasn't pretty.